Good News. The Petraeus report is good news for Iraq. Everything is going swimmingly. The surge has worked and the Iraqi’s are now running their own government.
Sure there is the occassional car bomb or road side bomb or missile attack killing more people than were dying 3 months ago. And the attack last week that killed over 150 people, the most since nearly a year ago. And the report that Al-Quaida’s numbers are larger than ever and growing.
But don’t worry about that. Read the report. It’s all good. Everything is going swimmingly! Hooray! So, just go about your business and realize that our government is in good hands and the Iraqi’s are living peacefully again. Ignore all those nay-sayers who only want to talk about the death and destruction. The report is good news! Just focus on that and go buy a new dress!
Oh… I should mention that the report isn’t out yet. The reason I know it’s good news is because Petraeus isn’t writing it. You see, he doesn’t write very well so George decided he should help him. And since George will need a lot of time with his MS Word Spell Check and Thesaurus, he has already started. And of course George will be sure to accurately portray that good is triumphing over evil. What else could happen? Light always wins over darkness. I am so relieved that the report will be coming from George’s world and not from Iraq. That could be depressing.
Oh and don’t worry about the good general letting anything slip that isn’t the same positive news that will most surely be in the report. George is banning him from testifying to congress.
And then there is even more good news. I know you can’t believe the sunshine and light coming from my blog this evening, but hey it’s Friday, the Stock Market nearly crashed, Countrywide is going under (I always hated them) and now, as I’m about to divulge, George is consolidating the process in the White House.
You see, once George finishes writing the report, he will deliver it to Congress where they’ll look at it and be amazed at how well things are going and then hand it back to George. George will then take the same report he wrote,interpret what it means and then decide what the next steps should be. That’s his Decider role. I think that might have been secretly Karl’s job before but as anyone in the corporate world will attest, once you lose a headcount you just have to make due. I’m glad to see this administration is taking fiscal responsibility to heart.
So the news is good. All Good News everywhere. And when the occassional bad news slips through, don’t worry, just read the revised edition a couple months later and you’ll see the news wasn’t bad at all, it was good. History is so fickle! Thank god for electronic media.
I don’t know about you but I think this good news deserves a party! Here’s a link to another article on this amazing story:
The Petraeus (wink,wink) Report