The Stepford Fans of Miami

I was in Miami to watch the Dolphins and the Raiders duke it out last weekend. yeeha! LOL. It was damn weird. I have never seen anything like it.

As I’m getting ready I’m trying to find the butchest teal and orange outfit I could find so I wouldn’t be picked out as a Raiders fan and I finally settled on a light blue tshirt. Close enough I thought, since the point was to not wear black. That would surely get my ass kicked.

But it seems I was in for a totally surreal football experience. I wondered for a few seconds if I wasn’t the weird one, then I thought, naaah! Here’s what I mean.

I park in lot 15 right next to about 6 or 7 ‘Dolfans’. (I didn’t make it up. That is what they call themselves, ‘Dolfans’.) I wanted to make the Flipper neeehehehehe sound but that would surely get me to lose some teeth so I kept my mouth shut. They were drinking beer and for all intents and purposes were the same as any Raider fan. They disbursed before i could de-car and they headed in to the stadium. I noticed that there seemed to be a little less racial diversity than at the Raiders games but other than that, so far, just another home team group supporting the home team.

So I start walking towards the stadium and just before I cross the street I hear ‘Raiders…..Raiders…..Raiders….’ the same nasally sound I always hear when at the home games only I feared this was mocking and that I had been found out. I checked my hat, nope not a Raiders hat. My shirt, light blue, blue jeans and brown boots. Maybe it was my swagger I thought and then laughed to myself.

I turned then to see about 20 guys in Silver and Black sitting around a couple of pickup trucks drinking beer. And walking by them were some ‘Dolfans’ in their manly teal and orange, just ignoring them. I then noticed a couple of ‘Dolfans’ right in the midst of some of the Raiders fans. This can’t be.

So I’m realizing this could be a totally different experience. At Raiders home team if you forget and wear the wrong color t-shirt you may not ever be found again. But in Miami, it was like everyone just gets along.

Ok, just an interesting difference I was sure. I went in, found my seat and then there were the cheerleaders. Now I thought all NFL cheerleaders looked like they had just spent the night partying and getting fucked in the ass and then game day would drag themselves into the game wearing their pancake makeup to hide the lines and dark circles, but apparently that is not the case.

These cheerleaders looked downright wholesame and all of 17. Instead of looking like they’d been ridden hard and put away wet as I was used to, they seemed like the young virtuous girls who went to the prom with daddy and had made the chastity until married vows. And they really sucked. I mean at cheering. And again, the flavors were limited. Almost exclusively vanilla.

I could only laugh when they moved, every movement clean and pure, with their wholesome Colgate smiles, pleated skirts that had a weird shoulder top thing that covered down to below their relatively small, all natural, breasts. They weren’t flat, but the Raiders cheerleaders….well let’s just say… the Raiders cheerleaders consider their ‘racks’ an investment.

Ok. So, give them a break. Things are different I thought. It’s what makes the world interesting. And I focused on the awesome stadium and the diamond vision screens. Hot. You could see the football players and their equipment like you were next to them and the images were very detailed. Now that’s something I think the Raiders could use.

Then the music starts and that was it. I was truly in a parallel football universe. ‘Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good…….’ This was followed by the capper: the Miami Fight song, that the entire stadium sang along to at least once a quarter. Please listen for the full effect.

So, I lost it, with tears running down my face and laughing so hard that I’m shaking the seats as I’m listening to a packed stadium of fans, each of which knew every word, singing along. Ok, now this is really different I thought. Raiders fans, don’t sing, they rap.

I also had realized by then that there was a huge contingency of silver and black. They were everywhere and the ‘Dolfans’ were so nice to them. ‘Thanks for comin’ and kickin’ our asses guys.’ ‘Jeez it was cool hangin out with you.’ ‘come again, it’ll be fun.’

So I realized that my very masculinity depended on my coming out. It was now more frightening to be thought of as a ‘Dolfan’. I would simply have to recapture my masculinity and I knew what I needed to do. I figured if they were this wimpy, they probably had a stand that sold Raiders shirts and sure enough, they did, so I bought one.

A tall, skinny, pimply faced, blonde kid, said something to his friend about it when I walked by. I turned and stared him down and he quickly cowered. What power I thought as I realized how they lived in fear of Raiders fans. Knowing that at any minute a jacked up chevy with spinning rims could drive through the stands and take them all out with a semi-automatic.

Anyway, of course, the Raiders kicked the Dolphins asses, much to the chagrin, and the ‘awe shucks, kick the can’ despair of the ‘Dolfans’. As I’m standing there in my Raiders shirt and the ‘Dolfans’ are walking by a couple of them shake my hand and say ‘nice game, guys!’ LOL, not kidding…

I remembered what my 7th grade history taught us about the American Indians. According to her, the Indians that were nice and welcomed ‘the white man’ all ended up slaughtered and their tribes destroyed. The ones that fought the white man are still around today.

So if you’re having to choose between a football team and you believe that ‘tough’ is part of the game, who are you going to choose:

I just don’t think I could ever live in Miami.

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